Coping with a depressed tween

Suddenly, it seems, your happy-go-lucky kid is a different animal: moody, sullen and argumentative or uncommunicative. Are the holidays to blame? Is it winter blues? At this age, probably not. Boy or girl, your tween's cognitive development and pubescent hormones are colliding, causing a confusing behavioral traffic jam. Her mental and physical identities are cruising into uncharted territory, and at the same time the boundaries of her world are expanding, yet still very limiting. No wonder she's grumpy.

Should you just take it and wait it out? Yes and no, says Libby Cleveland, coordinator of mental health services at the Teen Health Connection in Charlotte, NC. Yes, accept that this is a normal phase of preteen life, and help your child find ways to express pent-up thoughts and feelings. No, moodiness and being impolite are not acceptable, and you need to make that clear.
To rekindle civil conversation, build a communicative friendship by finding avenues of discussion, suggests Cleveland. "When my son was ten or so, we began watching TV shows like Gilmore Girls together and talking about the characters. It really helped us connect."
If it seems all your child
does is argue, consider that she's thinking, challenging the norm, growing. Which isn't to say it's easy for you, Mom. So help her channel authority-challenging behavior into an ability to question ideas and come up with new ones. "To turn argument into discussion, ask questions and solicit solutions," says Cleveland. Praise your child for her new ideas. If they're questionable, research them together and praise her work, even if her theories are disproved.
Raging hormones or not, there's no excuse for rudeness, and you need to draw the line. Rather than scolding, explain consistently that rude behavior is hurtful to others and absolutely not allowed. If it seems that your tween is mirroring a peer's bad behavior, counter blind conformity by affirming your kid's unique qualities. Beyond the usual "that's good" or "you're smart," use details: "You solved these math problems in a creative and clever way." As for that foul mood, this, too, shall pass.
Say "Choose"Looking to keep some peace? As he did when he was younger, your tween will respond when offered a limited choice—and you'll deflect arguments, too.Pick a flick. On video night, give your tween three choices. You'll avoid the indecision that free choice can bring, but he'll still get his way.Choose chore time. Have him decide on a time frame for putting the dishes away, like 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. No reminders, less stress.Decide on dinner. Let him plan the menu a day or two a week—then stick to his choices.
By: Joanne Ko